The Virtue of Not Speaking Badly About People When They’re Not Around

It’s easy to talk about others behind their backs—gossip, criticism, or judgment whispered in private. But every time we do, we shape our character, not just our words. The virtue of refraining from speaking badly about others in their absence is a sign of integrity, restraint, and loyalty. It protects trust, prevents harm, and builds a reputation for fairness and dignity. If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, maybe it shouldn’t be said at all.

A True Story: Warren Buffett’s Rule of Talking Behind Someone’s Back

Warren Buffett is famously careful with his words. One of his rules is this: “Always imagine that the person you’re speaking about is listening to the conversation. Would you still say it?” This principle guided the way he built trust with employees, partners, and friends.

In the 1990s, when a scandal rocked a subsidiary of Berkshire Hathaway, Buffett could’ve blamed the local managers. But instead, he defended them publicly, saying he believed in their integrity. Later, it turned out he was right—and his loyalty built lifelong respect.

Three Quotes from Books About This Virtue

In The Four Agreements (1997), Don Miguel Ruiz explained:

Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.

~ Don Miguel Ruiz

In Leadership and Self-Deception (2000), the Arbinger Institute taught:

When we speak badly of others, we usually distort the truth to justify ourselves. And we damage the trust we rely on to succeed.

~ The Arbinger Institute

In 12 Rules for Life (2018), Jordan Peterson advised:

Don’t lie about others. Don’t gossip. When you do, you feed the parts of yourself that are petty and cruel, not noble and strong.

~ Jordan B. Peterson

Five More Quotes About Speaking with Integrity

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of dignity in speech:

Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

In 2010, Desmond Tutu warned of division:

Gossip and backbiting don’t just hurt the subject—they poison the speaker and fracture the community.

~ Desmond Tutu

In 2005, Stephen Covey emphasized character:

What you say about others when they’re not present says more about you than it does about them.

~ Stephen R. Covey

In 2020, Adam Grant noted workplace consequences:

Trust is built in small moments—and broken when we hear what you said about us when we weren’t in the room.

~ Adam Grant

In 1986, Eleanor Roosevelt reminded us of where our focus should be:

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Life Lesson:

What you say when no one’s watching reveals who you truly are. Warren Buffett’s restraint built him decades of trust, not because he was perfect—but because he was loyal in silence. Every time you choose not to speak ill of someone, you prove you can be trusted even when it’s easy not to be. And that’s how strong relationships—and strong character—are built.